I haven’t been writing much lately, absorbed in work and then vegging out with games after work. I’ve had lots of inspiration and ideas, just a serious lack of motivation. It seems like such a tall task at times, just to sit down and write. I find myself wondering why I want to. My goal of writing books seems pretty far-fetched when I can’t even write a short story.
That is of course, all self defeating nonsense and pity. For my situation and my troubles. We’ve all got issues, we’ve all got troubles, and situations abound. I need to just get over it. Time is the only thing I truly have to fight for, it comes in bursts. Much of it is spent taking care of my daughter and spending time with my wife after work. I find it hard to see the line between what I should do and I can do. I can care for my wife and child 100% of the way, but it leaves nothing for myself.
Such a thought makes me feel guilty, even though my rational brain says it shouldn’t. My priorities should be God, myself, my wife, my daughter, and so on. Writing is hard to pin in there. I want to make it a priority, but its a step I kind of tripped on before. I came home for a couple months straight and posted once a day, and my relationship suffered some for it. My wife is understandably jealous of something that absorbs me completely and takes her out of my arms, however briefly.
But its hard to convey sometimes what it means to me. It isn’t that I feel I have a knack for writing and want to see what I can do. I have a desire to write that doesn’t go away. My wife is still trying to find what she really wants to do in life, so maybe that is why it is hard for her to understand. It isn’t a hobby, it isn’t a passing fad, its something I need to fully embrace and come to terms with.
Whether I publish ten books or none, I will forever be a writer. Even if my short stories are all full of bad dialogue and barely long enough to have the name, I am still a writer. Unpublished, unknown, my scribbles scattered on digital walls, I am a writer. This is what this period of idleness and introspection has taught me. As with most things I have learned over the years, I realize it may not be an unshakeable truth. We are creatures of change, and I am not the one to say what God has in store for me.
I think that is all I can say for now, I hope you enjoyed my rambling. I plan to start updating again, and committing myself to harder work. Sink or swim, as they say.